The Dangerous Fantasy: Why You're Falling in Love with Someone Who Doesn't Exist

In this blog, I want to talk about the perception we build in our minds when we start dating someone new. This mental trap has destroyed more relationships than most guys realize.

The Honeymoon Illusion

Let's say you're dating a brand new girl, and right out of the gate, things are hot and heavy. You run into a girl who immediately has a high attraction level to you. These are usually the kind of girls you want to pursue: the girls you're going to connect with the most, where the attraction is the best. They're going to build you up, make you feel good about yourself.

And at the very beginning, you're going to start to see them as somebody greater than they actually are.

How Your Brain Fills in the Gaps

During the first month or so, you're going to like them a lot. They're going to like you a lot. Attraction's going to be good. You're going to have great sex. And subconsciously, you're going to start to fill in the gaps of their personality.

Every guy has this visualization of what he wants his perfect woman to be like. You're going to start to project that model onto the woman you're interacting with. You create this mental image, and you start to fall in love with this model. Whenever you see her, interact with her, and touch her, you get this perception that that's who she really is.

But then there hits a point in your relationship where you start connecting and bonding more.

The stories she starts to tell you begin to be misaligned with this image you've developed in your head.

Why Your Brain Does This

Our brain does this because we have just met someone we have a high attraction to, and our brain doesn't do well when it comes to uncertainty. Our brain, as a survival mechanism, is going to try to create that certainty by filling in those gaps.

Let's say you go on this first date. You talk, everything goes great. You're having a great time, you're having fun, and you realize, "Wow, this is incredible!"

When you start interacting with them, all the things you don't know about them, you unconsciously assume the best. You start to fall in love with them and fall in love with this image. Your brain fills in all those gaps and just assumes that they are this amazing person.

It's all just because your brain is trying to give you a sense of knowing. Because if you know what's going on, you know you can take the right steps and actions to set yourself up for success.

When Reality Doesn't Match the Fantasy

As the relationship progresses, you're going to start connecting more, and you're going to start to know each other more. There's a point where she's going to start to reveal things about herself that are incongruent with that mental image you created of her.

This is very normal. This is normal because we always imagine the people we're with as way better than they actually are, and that disappointment is going to naturally come.

Like I always say: people are disappointing because we're all just regular, normal human beings with strengths and weaknesses. We're always trying to figure out how to manage those strengths and weaknesses.

You're going to hit a point where you realize that this visualization you built up of this person is irrational, and you're going to be stuck with just an ordinary person by the end of the dating experience.

My Wake-Up Call

One thing that happened with me one time: I was dating this one girl, and I built up this image of her. Then she started telling me little bits about herself, and I was like, "Wait a second! What?"

I started becoming a little frustrated with her and a little betrayed. But the reality was that she didn't do anything to hurt me or harm me. I just made this expectation of her, this mental image in my head of who she was, that was incongruent with how she actually was.

I had to force myself to take a step back and ask myself, "Who is this person really?"

The Pendulum Swings Both Ways

Because in reality, your brain is always going to try to fill in those gaps of what you don't know about them.

Right out of the gate, you're going to think they're like the best person in the world. Once they tell you stuff that's incongruent, you're now going to be like, "Oh, they're the worst person in the world!" You're going to start to fill all those gaps that were originally open with the worst scenarios. You're going to start to think, "Maybe they aren't that great" or "Maybe they aren't that smart."

Because our brain likes to think in extremes.

How to Handle This Reality

The best way to handle this situation is to really go into these relationships with a mental model that you are there to understand this person.

In the very beginning, things are going great, things are going awesome, but understand that this is temporary. You're never going to be feeling the same thing forever. That's why there's the concept of impermanence in mindfulness and meditation, which I highly recommend you try and experiment with.

That impermanence means you're not going to always have that butterfly feeling for her. Eventually, that's all going to fade away, and you're going to be just left with this person.

The Real Getting-to-Know Phase

Once you start to really get to know them, you're getting past that initial honeymoon phase, that initial moment. It's really important to wake up.

You need to really get to know them. Let the relationship naturally progress. Once you have enough data points and you've gotten a really good, strong sense of who they are, then you can make a judgment call.

My Challenge to You

My biggest thing for you is: don't become obsessed with that person and build that mental model in your head.

I challenge you to not do that! I encourage you to take a step back and really look at what's going on. Because otherwise:

• You're going to get hurt
• She's going to get hurt
• You're going to end up being with somebody who just isn't who you thought she was
  
  Stay present. Stay curious. See her for who she actually is, not who you want her to be.

Want to learn how to build real connections based on reality instead of fantasy? Let's talk. Book a free consultation and I'll teach you how to see people clearly while still maintaining that spark.